dinosaurcake's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emo little rant I would say it's been a fairly eventful year since last I updated. In fact, I'd say the last six months in particular have probably been the most significant in my life. Firstly, I met a guy I liked. I really liked him - I didn't come close to loving him but felt like in time I potentially could. I was intrigued by him, enjoyed his quiet confidence and quirky sense of humour, found his exotic looks insanely attractive, and was beginning to feel comfortable with him. That's more than I can say about my feelings for any other boy, ever. I lost my virginity to him. Yes, I've probably implied in the past that I had had sex. Hell, I may have stated it outright. I was lying; why the fuck would I want to admit to anyone that I was a 24-year-old virgin? Yes, I have lied to cover this even in my anonymous blog: the one place I should be honest. Only one person knows he was my first besides me (and no, it's not him). My old church friends will continue to assume I'm on the straight and narrow. Those who have got to know me in the past few years can keep on believing I'm the oversexed minx they think I am. Because it's not far from the truth - yes, I love sex. I'd rather sleep with a man than do anything else. Sex is at the front of my mind most of the time, and has been for years. (Incidentally, doctor says I have a very strong libido because of high testosterone levels. I always knew there had to be a reason why my arms are so hairy.) It just so happens that I didn't actually sleep with anyone until last October. Because hey, things don't go according to plan. It was only when I was 22 that I decided I wasn't going to wait until I was married, and Mike was the first guy to come along after that who I actually wanted. It's not like I could just jump into bed with anyone after all that time. I was actually crazy about him and I had the impression he felt the same (plus a few friends in common who told me as much), but he ended things out of the blue a couple of months ago - no explanation of any consequence, not that an explanation would have helped. That same week I found out I was pregnant. A couple of weeks later I miscarried. And while it's so easy to say it was for the best (no way would a baby fit into my life right now, but equally, no way could I give it up or end the pregnancy by choice), I was devastated. I still am. Even though I could pinpoint the mishap which led to the pregnancy and worked out from there that I was only about six weeks in, it feels like a death. It is a death, and I can't help wondering if I could have prevented it in any way. If I had known I was knocked up, I wouldn't have been drinking as much. I wouldn't have smoked weed. I don't know. It's not like I have illusions that we could have played happy families or anything. What hurts the most is that we don't have anything to do with each other now. I really liked him as a person, not just a warm body, and weirdly enough I miss him. I miss his awkward shyness most of all. The weekend after he ended it I was out in town and the number of strangers who groped me and made passes at me actually reduced me to tears. Mike was so subtle his friend had to tell me he was into me. After he got my number (again through his friend), rumour has it he wouldn't let anyone introduce him to other girls when they left for another bar. I digress; my point is, I have no fucking clue what changed his mind. I saw him a while ago - I was having a drink outside, he was walking down the road. He gave me a nod. Better than no acknowledgement, but I can't get over how one day he could have his tongue inside me and a month later he can walk past without stopping to say hi. I guess most girls come to this realisation much earlier. I don't think I could have handled it in my teens. I don't regret any of it - except the baby bit, obviously - but I'm still sad. They say the first cut is the deepest, and it gets easier. I don't know if I want it to - I think if it doesn't hurt when something ends, it wasn't worthwhile to begin with. Oh, and I went to Thailand last year, and bought my first house last month - just moved in. 24 has been a big year so far. 9:48 p.m. - 2009-04-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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